Panic-cleaning is out

Forget what it's supposed to look like

Jun 12, 2026

On the first Sunday of every month, I host a brunch. Last week I shared my “why” for starting this tradition, and this week I’m going to share the “what” and the “how,” in case you too are interested in hosting more.

I think we have ideas of what hosting is supposed to look like. Candlelight, cocktails, food served on fancy plates, the perfect hosting outfit that’s both elegant and effortless. Maybe you’ve even thrown one of these yourself. Maybe you spent the whole day shoving your stuff into closets and stressing yourself into such a state that by the time guests arrived you were sweaty, cranky, and in no mood for a party. I know I have.

But I believe that your home should feel like you and support your real, everyday life. And the gatherings you host should too.

My friend Kiana throws the best game nights. As someone who purposely avoids games and large groups, I still somehow always end up laughing so hard and finding such a release. My friend Virginia is a professional community builder and advocate, her events are purpose-driven and meaningful. They are so good at what they do! But that is not me.

I like small, intimate gatherings. Deep conversations. Home cooked food. So that is what I set out to create when I decided to start hosting more.

Here are some things that have made these brunches feel more like me.

My friend watching the rain with my daughter, this is why I host

The invitation

I mailed the invitations. I know Partiful is more efficient, but there was something so nostalgic about putting letters in the mail, even if we live in the same city. I drew a picture of our dining room (above) and handwrote my “why”:

Dear friend,
I want Mara to know you, and I want you to get know her - she’s changing every day - but she can’t do late nights out (yet!).
Since becoming a mom I’ve been trying to figure out how to see friends during Mara’s waking hours so this year I’m gonna be hosting brunch on Sundays in my home, and you’re invited.
My goal is to keep this casual and doable, not fancy and perfect. Sometimes I’ll cook a full English breakfast, sometimes it’ll just be bagels. It’s not the food that’s important, it’s the company and the ritual.

The invite, now on my pinboard at my desk

Every month I draw a new little illustration of our home for the invitation, just as a creative exercise for myself. And now I send a Partiful to gather rsvp’s. I always invite the same people, and even though most of them didn’t know each other when we began, it’s been really touching to see friendships develop and deepen with each brunch.

Are hand written invitations and illustrations necessary for hosting? Absolutely not! I do it because I like it and that feels like me.

The prompt

My goal was for my friends to see and know my daughter as she grows and changes. I’m already excited for the next brunch where she’ll get to share what she learned in the last month: how to walk! In this spirit, I have a prompt that I ask every guest to answer each month:

What’s something new you learned in the last month?

It can be anything - a new cooking skill, a fun New York fact, a personal growth, history trivia, anything!

I’ve learned so many interesting things from these conversations that I never would have known had it not been for the prompt. And you may be thinking “I just wanna be a chill host. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or do anything they don’t want to do.” But in Priya Parker’s the Art of Gathering I learned that guests actually thrive when you give them guidelines. And I’ve absolutely found this to be true.

The prep

There’s an ad that’s been going around in which a hostess is racing around her home dusting the baseboards, panic-vacuuming, icing a cake, and putting on a dress and heels before her friends arrive, and then telling them “it was nothing.” This is the opposite of what I’m going for. To me, panic-cleaning is out. Comfort-hosting is in.

I want to cook some good food (or order in if I’m not in the mood) and just let my home be. One unexpectedly wonderful side effect of doing this every month is that now my friends know where the cups are, they can help themselves to things, I designated a friend to pour tea and coffee once and now she does it every month. Someone suggested we all wear pajamas one month, and I love that idea. It’s low-stress and high reward. This is what I want my hosting to be.

But this is just what works for me!

You might be thinking “sounds like a snooze” - it’s just what I needed for the life stage I’m in right now. I know we can feel tempted to think we should have a big dining table and we should host people in a certain way and our house should be perfectly done before we invite anyone over. Respectfully, I disagree.

Much like designing a home that feels like you, I think designing an event to host in your home shares many of the same steps. Reflecting on what you need, what’s realistic for your daily life, what serves you in the life stage you’re in right now. And doing it in a way that feels like you.

I’d love to hear in the comments what you’ve hosted that felt just like you!

Discussion about this post

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